Pain is my oldest companion. Not just the pain of suffering through spankings, traumas, or unkind words. Chronic pain and I became companions when I was just seventeen.
Before that moment, I knew pain, but I’d never understood the debilitating nature of a pain that seemed to have no end. When I woke up under a roaring, shaking aircraft, I had many broken vertebrae, a traumatic brain injury, and a future that was no longer what I’d dreamt of.
I’ve written about this accident in other posts. The learning in my pain for me today?
It’s the lesson I’ve sat with for decades now.
What is my pain?
Am I the victim?
For years, I was
.
I was the audience to my pain as it sat on the stage before me. It dictated my decisions, my shrinking from challenges as fresh injuries metastasized into arthritis and decay between already injured bones, discs, nerves, and fascia.
Nearly two decades spent playing small personally, while I pushed the edges of possibility through business. No energy left for my toddlers. No strength left for wrestling with my growing sons, or capacity for my wife’s own challenges. I felt so broken.
And the worst part? I’d done it to myself.
From my choices to become a test pilot, to a racing driver, surfer, skydiver, rockclimber, and more. These actions tested me and broke me.
They added to my internal monologue; “I am broken, I am unworthy, I am not strong enough”.
For years, these inner thoughts defined my truth.
My pain carried with it so many reminders that I had somehow failed, that I was not enough, and was inherently unworthy of love. So many childhood fears brought back to the forefront, reinforced as a representation of what I thought I was as a person.
I used my business’s needs of me to hide from what I felt. I used being good at what I did, to insulate me from actually feeling the emotions I’d pushed down deep inside. I didn’t have the tools to be present with the realities. I didn’t know what to do with grief, with abuse, with codependence.
So, I hid.
I hid in my 100 hour work weeks. I hid in my team and client’s needs for me. I got good at my work, at my leadership, at anything that meant I didn’t have to face my past… Or my present.
For most men, it’s porn alcohol, drugs, or dopamine. For me, it was work to the point of burning out every 2-3 months. Then, sleep for 72 hours with a 102-103 fever, rinse and repeat. I did this for most of my adult life.
Then, as my business flourished, my marriage started to fall apart. I didn’t know my children and I couldn’t stop keeping score in my relationship. I was broken.
Over the past 7 years, I’ve learned to rebuild. My body, my heart, my truth.
In 2020, I gave up all of my secrets. In 2023, we moved our family halfway across the country to be present with the community we craved. Today, I sit here exhausted, but fulfilled. I spent the morning with the kids, taking them to school, then a beautiful workout with my friend Pedram Shojai , using the tools I’ve learned from Functional Patterns to strengthen the areas of my body atrophied from years of abuse, and injury. Late morning was filled with helping my new friend Bryan Reeves move from his home. My Bride packed his entire kitchen in 90 minutes.
My life has shifted so much. From ignoring potential pain, to sitting with it in deep presence. From feeling the victim in my body, to knowing I have tools at my disposal to grow. At 9:20 this morning, Pedram and I moved from the steam shower to the pool. A pool that has been filled by countless storms that have tormented us here in Central Texas over the past 4 days. The cold water lapping at our necks, I witnessed him shifting his state in the same way I have learned to do. Following the breath, becoming present with what is, no panic, no fear, just presence.
I smiled. I love that my community does the work I have learned to do to discover alignment in my body and soul. I love that we share language, tools, and practices. I so value that all this pain, all this struggle, all of this hardship, has led me to a deeper knowledge of me. Of who I am, of why I am here, and how to share my mission.
I exist on this planet to help myself and others face our fears, sit with our demons, and reprogram our software to be present with who we truly are.
All the pain I’ve experienced physically, and emotionally, have been a guide and a gift on this journey. I truly believe we each are given exactly what we need. Pain, grief, heartbreak, trauma, that is meant for us to both learn, and to witness. The pain we carry would probably cripple anyone else we love. They were not designed for it, but we were.
I’ve learned that my lesson has been in being present with all of it, and choosing to journey through these hardships and learn all they have to teach me.
When we are young, our brains and bodies simply do not have the tools or the development to handle much. For men, we’re not even fully developed mentally until our mid 20’s. As fully formed adults, we have such a responsibility to be present with what HAS been, in order to not allow our wounded, desperate, and lonely inner child to be in control of our lives today.
I wish someone had told me self control was as accessible as learning to breathe with intention, sooner. Today, I’m here to share how intention, passion, and purpose all work with alignment, to create resonance and legacy.
How we can overcome pain, brokenness, and struggle, to find the life we truly want. How we can shift from victim to victor.
I still struggle. I still live with the pain. But each day, I progress. Each day, I learn to be more present with all that I am, and all that is.
The past few weeks have been a journey, a path of witnessing that which has been, literally burned away. Dreams turned to ash. Friends lost, normalcy destroyed. So many things that once would have broken me and pushed me to turn away from the pain. Each of them now received as the gift they are. Surely, not easy. Certainly nothing I would have picked. But man, this pain has given me perspective.
Thank you for reading.
I hope you can gain something from this broken, joyful, grateful musing.